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You don’t win friends with salad.

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!

I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Thank you, steal again. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?

1. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
2. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
3. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

• Save me, Jeebus.
• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

You don’t win friends with salad. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. I stand by my racial slur.

Ahoy hoy? This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? I stand by my racial slur. Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”

Thank you, steal again. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Human contact: the final frontier. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Human contact: the final frontier. I stand by my racial slur. You don’t win friends with salad. Please do not offer my god a peanut. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”